


I'll put my roots down when I'm dead

by Anonymous



Category: Dream SMP - Fandom, Minecraft - Fandom
Genre: Betrayal, Depression, Eternal Death, Gen, Mild Humor, Suicide, basically all depressing shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:46:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28057095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Tommy relives his death over and over, unable to escape the loop.Title from "Since I saw Vienna" by Wilbur Soot :)
Relationships: No Romantic Relationship(s), None
Comments: 1
Kudos: 38
Collections: Anonymous





	I'll put my roots down when I'm dead

**Author's Note:**

> I,, Sorry not sorry?

To wake up everyday only to ponder and mourn is the way of life. If there was a way to change the world everyone would in their own way, for their own beings and desires. The more you breathe the more you will decease, left on your death bed to rest. Some people say you look peaceful when you're dead, but they're wrong. You just look dead. Theres nothing else to it. There will always be that fear that bubbles up in your chest where you won't know where to go once you die. It wouldn't matter the whispers of truth or deceit in your ears. The fear of the unknown is unavoidable, and will always be in front of you. You could fantasize about death as long as you want and still feel that fear that keeps you from doing what you feel you should do. Fear keeps you safe, and its what has kept you safe for a long time, but some poor souls come to the point to where they could care less about the fear. Who are stronger, but not in the way they believe.

Maybe thats what drove Tommy to what he did. He was tired of being afraid and of waking up with that numb feeling in his chest. His eyes always stung and his head always throbbed, and the blisters he got continued to get worse each day. Rest wouldn't change a thing, and company wouldn't either. Tommy guessed he had just gone too far. He was tired and ashamed. Tired of staring up at the ceiling every night with the feeling of tears running down his face and ashamed of his actions. If he hadn't done what he did then maybe... Tommy wished to sleep it off, but when he closed his eyes he saw the bubbling lava in the Nether, taunting him. Some nights he'd get up and venture to the grotesque world, ignoring the groans and cries of the mobs, only to stare down ominously into a pit of lava. It was clear what he wanted to do, but the first time he had gotten pulled back, and now he wasn't able to bring himself to it. But the bags under his eyes got darker, the memories only got clearer, and he only got paler. He looked dead, which was his goal. It had been a goal for a long while. Tommy didn't know what was stopping him. He could jump right then and there.

But that small hope that _maybe_ Tubbo still wanted him. _Maybe_ Techno still cared about him, and _maybe,_ just maybe, everyone else did too. It was still there. Tommy knew, and he knew they still loved him, all in their own way. They weren't heartless and all those times they hanged out with him and smiled at him made his hope stronger. Tommy would never understand why they didn't visit him, but that was okay, because memories were enough. 

But in time the longer Tommy breathed, the harder it got. The more the hope he had faded. The more numb he got. And thats where Tommy found himself staring into the pit of lava again, that fear in his chest long gone. He didn't hesitate when he took a step forward. One. Tommy missed Wilbur. He missed Phil, and though he hated to admit it, Techno. Two. Tommy missed L'manberg with all he had. It was home. It always would be. It would never change even if he was dead or exiled. He and Wilbur had built that country, when times were simple, and they'd both crumble down with it. Tommy knew he wasn't with it at the moment, but maybe he'd see it again. Oh, he hoped he could see it again. Three. Tommy missed Tubbo. He wanted to feel his hugs, and hear him ramble on about bees. He wanted to se him beam at him with a look of joy in his eyes. He wanted to listen to music on the bench with Tubbo. None were possible. Tommy didn't blink back his tears this time, enjoying the feeling of just letting it out. No one else would be around. Weirdly, it was comforting to know it would all end in a minute. Maybe the numb feeling in his chest would be gone. Maybe then, he could return to L'manberg. He could go home. 

Four.

And he did it for the second time. A third time. Again, and again. Tommy had accepted that he'd stare at the lava for the rest of his years, until the world ended. Things changed around him but he continued to jump, feeling everything he did before. The numb feeling would go away for one second, and he'd open his eyes to face the world again. To feel the flames against his skin and to feel it burning through his head, feeling pain for a split second. Tommys felt death enough times he had lost count. Maybe it was a punishment for his actions from the gods. If his eternal suicide ever ended he'd have to have a long talk with God. Tommy accepted that his new music was sizzling and screams, and he'd never drink or eat again. He'd never sit on the bench with Tubbo again. He'd never hear Mellohi again. He'd never see what had become of L'manberg. He'd never see the Christmas Tree. 

He never finished How to Sex 3. It was left on the counter of Ghostburs house open for all to see, ink splattered around it because Tommy didn't have the energy to clean it up and put it away. And worst of all, someone would read past page 12. Someone would read How to Sex 1. 

Tommy couldn't bring himself to cry any longer the more he stared down. It was all the same like the first time. His actions, his feelings, his thoughts. He had no control of his body but felt everything. Tommy wished for peace and rest that he knew he'd never find. If he never did, though, that was fine. Part of Tommy deserved it, and now he relives it everyday, watching the wold change around him and the new stories of home. It didn't mean he was any less clueless than before. 

**Author's Note:**

> hi lmao


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